lola

i am crushed.

our lola, our only living grandparent was admitted to icu last night. according to my mom, it had been 4 days since she could not get up to eat or relieve, even with alalay. they'd been spoonfeeding her but that too, soon became too hard for her to do. yesterday, she couldn't even swallow. all she could do was to fall into long slumber and whenever she wakes up, silently cry her pain.

i didn't have a decent sleep last night. all i could think of was her current state, and her stories she shared to us last time i was home. she told us of her once colorful childhood, their jewelry business in pangasinan, how she would tag along his father in bulacan to deal with alaheros, how she learned to fire a gun, how pretty she was in her teens and how world war 2 took away all things they owned. she indulged us by sharing different facets of her past, in half sentences. she'd begin with a story and end it with another. she couldn't answer questions coherently. to us, her kwento might have been amusing but to her it was all what's left of her memory.

i would not say that she is the best lola anybody could have. on her younger and stronger days she was strict to her kids and later on to her apos. she resented my father all his life for marrying my mother. she played favorites, to dismay of my siblings, but, although unwillingly, to my advantage. my early memories with her includes occassional sleepovers in her room, putting me to sleep by scratching my back. that was a simple pleasure she offered me just so i would agree to sleep in her room. i was her favorite... but last time i saw her, she told our help, i am her pinsan.

she's been asleep eversince she was brought in to icu. doctors said it is an option for us to let them insert a feeding tube through her nose. i saw how they did it to my father, it was awful. that was the first and last time i saw him cry and it didn't help him anyway. i dont think i could bring myself to allow them to do it to lola. i know she's already too tired at 89. and so, my only prayer... is for God to ease her her pains. His will be done.